


Nothing but the Truth

by glowystars325



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Being an Asshole, Hurt Sam Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Self-Harm, Suicidal Sam, Truth Spells
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-05-18 23:53:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5948050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glowystars325/pseuds/glowystars325
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While on a hunt, Sam accidentally gets more than he bargained for when he asked for the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings my lovelies. If you ever feel this low, reach out for help. Rating might change.

       Sam sat on the edge of his bed in yet another rundown motel room. Dean wanted to check out a case since people were committing suicide. Figures. His brother cared about random strangers offing themselves, but couldn't even see that his own brother was thinking about putting a bullet in his head.

       He knew that Dean still didn't trust him, even after he went to Hell to save the world. Little Sammy couldn't do anything for himself. Little Sammy can't be trusted. Sam wasn't stupid, he knew he made some poor choices, but he did it all for Dean and, if given the chance, he’d do it all over again.

     Dean just pulled over at the motel and told him to go back to the room and wait for him there before driving off. Probably just went to a bar or something. Probably just wanted to get away from his pathetic excuse for a little brother.

     Sam pulled his shirt off and grabbed his favorite knife - Dean gave it to him for his 11th birthday back when he actually liked him. He brought the blade up to his shoulder and drew a long line across a piece of unmarked skin on his shoulder. Scars seemed to litter his arms, but he never went below his elbows. It would be too easy to catch if anyone bothered to pay attention to the fact that he was drowning in his own mind.

      He drew another line over a healed scar just below the other. Relief started to flow through him as his blood dripped from the thin openings. One more line and Sam’s shoulders started to relax, the next tears started to fall from his eyes. Fifth one, he realized his vision was blurring. Sam scolded himself internally for crying. He didn't deserve to cry. Sam bit his lips harshly before angrily wiping his tears away and cleaning his knife up.

     Sam grabbed his shirt and headed towards the bathroom door. There was a fluttering of wings and Sam turned around to find Cas right behind him.

    The only thing that ran through his head was _Shit!_. Castiel spoke first, “Dean asked me to get you. He thinks that there maybe some angel “thing” involved here. Why are you hurt?”

     “It’s nothing. Just a couple scratches. I’m fine.” Sam was relieved to see Cas nod. “Let me just get my shirt on and we can go.”

     Cas sighed impatiently and snapped his fingers, the cuts on his arms were healed and his shirt was on. “Ready now?” Sam nodded and was suddenly looking at Dean.

     “Sorry it took so long. Sam was injured.” Cas explained, “Why do you think angels are involved here?”

     Dean looked at Sam, “You were injured? What happened?”

    Cas waved the questions away, “It doesn't matter. He’s healed. Angels?”

    “Right. There was this trumpet that was stolen around the same time that the first incident happened. People ask for the truth and get it. Maybe like-”

     Sam cut him off, “Gabriel’s horn of truth?”

     Cas contemplated the idea for a second, “Could be possible. I’ll check.” There was a fluttering of wings and Castiel was gone.

     Dean sighed, “Okay then. Mind telling me what he meant by injured? Did you decide to run off on your own again?”

      Sam shrugged to mask the sting of his brother’s distrust, “It was just a scratch. Tripped on my feet and caught a corner is all. I didn't go off anywhere.”

      Dean nodded, “Fine. You are pretty overgrown. No surprise Samquatch trips over his own feet. Just be more careful okay?”

    Sam nodded just as Cas returned. “It’s not the trumpet.”

    Dean sent a look at Cas, “Where did you even go? First take Sam back. He can go do whatever.”

    Before Sam could protest, Cas zapped him back to the motel room. He cursed loudly before grabbing his jacket and knife and storming out if the room. Checking to make sure his wallet and key were in his pocket, he headed to the nearest bar.

      He sat at the bar for a good hour, sipping on a few drinks. After he finished the second glass, the bartender came back up to him. “Can I pour you another?”

    Sam sighed, “Sure. I could use it.”

    She gave him a knowing look, “Bad day?”

    “You could say that.”

    “Here it’s on me.” The brunette pushed the double shot of Jack and coke back to him, “Want anything else?”

    “Besides the truth and a brother that isn't a dick? Nope.” Sam stirred his drink before taking a long drink.

    “I sometimes think that I can't get pregnant since my marriage is a sham. Why did I say that?”

    “I’m not sure,” Sam had a vague idea, but nothing that made actual sense.

   “I know that I had some oxytocin in the bathroom this morning but even this is too strange.”

    Sam gulped down the rest of his drink, “It’s okay.”

    As he left a girl in a low cut dress spoke up, “I’m sitting like this so you’ll look at my boobs. I just got them done and I need attention.”

    Sam looked down and back up at her before smiling. “Have a good day.”

    He stepped outside and pulled out his phone. Something weird was going on and he needed help. Bobby answered after a couple of rings, “Hello?”

     “Hey Bobby. Something weird is going on. I made some comment about wanting the truth and then random strangers started telling me these secrets.”

    “How come when you guys get in trouble, it seems to be you that calls first? I’ll see what I can find okay? Anything else, I mean you’re pretty needy and you calling over and over just takes more of my time.”

    Sam was shocked. _I guess it works over phone too_ “What? I thought you liked me Bobby.”

    “Don't get me wrong. I love you boys, but sometimes you’re just more trouble than you're worth. Dean, he’s my favorite. I’d spend more time with him, but you two seem to be a package deal.”

    Sam’s eyes started to water, “I didn't know that I was such a bother. Sorry I called.”

    “Well, you did start the apocalypse. It’s hard to just forgive you for that.” Bobby paused for a moment before sounding incredibly guilty, “Oh Sam… I didn't mean to say any of that.”

     “It’s fine. I’ll just figure this out on my own. Sorry for being a bother. I won't call again.” Sam hung up the phone, resisting the urge to throw it. He took a few deep breaths before his phone rang again. Sam took a deep breath before answering it, “It’s fine Bobby. Don't worry about it.”

    “No it ain't Sam. I didn't mean to say any of that-”

    “Don't worry about it. I asked for the truth and I’m getting it. Just, just let me be for a bit.” Sam ended the call before heading back to the motel.

     Dean was there and glared at him when he entered the room, “Where were you? I found something and came back to show you.”

     “I went to a bar. Had a couple of drinks. Sorry I didn't realize that I was under house arrest.” Sam snapped, “Why can't you just trust me every now and then?”

    “You know why. First Ruby and the demon blood. Then you starting the fucking apocalypse. Oh and don't forget you not telling me that you were back from Hell. You can't be trusted to tie your own shoes.”

      Sam took the verbal abuse and only looked at the ground. He did ask for the truth. “What did you find?”

     “This box. Looks like stuff for a spell. Do some research okay? I’m going to shower since I need to jerk off before I punch you…. Why did I say that?”

      “I said something about wanting to hear the truth and suddenly people are telling me the truth. I’ll look into it. These should help.”

      Dean rolled his eyes and headed to the bathroom. Sam pulled out his laptop and started looking up what the ingredients could do.

     After Dean came back, Sam had an answer. “What do you have for me Sammy?”

     “A strong summoning spell for starters.”

     “So what are we dealing with? A demon, spirit?”

    “A god actually. More specifically Veritas. She’s known to be the bringer of truth. It also says she craves attention.”

      Dean tilted his head, “Where do you go for both attention and the truth?”

      Sam looked at Dean after a few minutes of them thinking, “I know it’s cruel of me to ask, but do you love Lisa more than me? Tell me if you don’t want me to answer and I’ll leave. I just want to know.”

      “I don’t know Sammy. We had a great relationship of sorts for the longest time, then you just went behind my back. Lisa and I are different. Of course she doesn’t know about us and the thing we had, but I had my own makeshift apple pie life. I guess I love you both more for different reasons. If I didn’t fuck it up with Lisa last time I saw her, I’d probably be with her and ditch you if she asked. I’m not going to take you back ever again if that’s what you’re getting at. Hate to say it, but you’ve become a burden and I wish you stayed in Hell”

     Sam swallowed quickly, of course his brother wanted him in Hell. He was stupid to continue to pine after his brother. He should have known Dean wouldn’t want him. “It’s fine. I kind of figured that out. Ummm… Maybe the new’s anchor for this town? Why don’t you go check that out. I’ll stay here and try to figure out how to kill her.”

     Dean nodded and left. Sam waited a solid five minutes before breaking down in tears. He made the mistake of asking for the truth, but he didn’t expect it to hurt this much. He already knew how to kill the goddess, but he needed Dean to leave. Sam wanted to kill himself, but it would probably hurt Dean. _Yeah right. He wished that you stayed in Hell._ Sam continued crying for a good 20 minutes before deciding that it was time for him to die.

     Sam grabbed a pen and the stationary from the motel and wrote down: Kill her with a blade dipped in dog’s blood. He didn’t bother writing down any last words. Sam pointed his gun to his chin as tears poured from his eyes. His finger tapped on the trigger a few times as he tried to gather the strength to end his life.

     His phone rang and Sam debated for a moment before putting the gun down and answering the call, “Hello?”

    “Hey kiddo. It’s been a bit and I’m worried about ya. Are you okay? I want you to know that I do see you as a son even though you’ve fucked up a lot recently.”

    “You just like Dean more. It’s okay, just the story of my life. He already told me things too. Don’t worry about it.”

    “You didn’t answer my question though. Are you okay?”

    Sam looked at his gun, “I will be. I’ve got to go. Bye Bobby.” He hung up and reached for his gun again. _No. Wait until the end of the hunt. Then you won’t make Dean’s life harder than necessary._

    Sam shuffled over to his bed and collapsed on it. He took one of the pillows and hugged it tightly as he tried to calm his sobs. Dean would be back soon and he couldn’t handle hearing anymore cruel words being thrown his way. He ended up crying himself to sleep.

     When Dean came back, he rolled his eyes at his brother. Of course he’d fall asleep when he’s supposed to be researching. He walked over to the laptop and saw the note right next to it. _Guess he did find out how to kill the bitch. Poor kid’s probably tired._ He walked to Sam’s bed and shook him awake. Sammy blearily opened his eyes and looked at his older brother, “I have shots that we need to look through then you can go back to bed sleeping beauty.”

     After an hour of watching the blasted video, Sam finally found their proof. Dean clasped his hand on his shoulder and they headed out, “So dog’s blood?”

    “Unfortunately. D-Do you think you can get the blood? You don’t really like dogs and, well, I really do. I’ll just end up petting the thing and won’t be able to do it.”

     Dean nodded in understanding. “Come on, we can go break into the vet’s office and I’ll find a dog that’s already dying okay?” Sam nodded and they left the motel.

     While he was sitting in the car, waiting for Dean to get the blood, he longingly thought of how things should be. Dean should’ve kissed him softly before leaving him and ran his fingers through his hair. Sam wouldn’t feel the need to cut because Dean would keep those thoughts away. Dean wouldn’t have said Sam should’ve stayed in Hell.

      Dean came back and Sam had to fight the urge to reach out to the beautiful man. Sam only looked away and kept his mouth shut as Dean drove off. They followed the woman to her house and Dean pulled out the jar of dog’s blood.

      Sam looked at the jar with sad eyes and Dean bumped his shoulder, “Don’t worry. They had animal blood and I took one of the bags. Old Yeller is still sleeping peacefully.”

     They each dipped their knives in the blood and Sam looked Dean in the eye, “Ready for this to be over?”

     “Definitely. Come on. All the creepy stuff is probably inside.”

     Sam was the first one to find the shrine, but Dean found the bodies. He followed his brother into the room quietly, knife held tightly in his hand.

     “Looks like we found the tributes. Gross,” Dean looked at the torso hanging up from the ceiling.

      Veritas snuck up behind the pair, “You know, you should knock.”

     “Well, you lost that courtesy when you came here.” Dean lunged at her with the knife and it was quickly knocked away. Sam tried for his window while she was distracted but they were shoved and everything went black.

     Sam jolted awake and quickly took in his surroundings. Of course he was tied up. When was he never tied up? Dean was to his right on the other pole. Veritas smirked, “I see you guys are finally awake. You know, I want to make you guys stew for a bit. So how about we play a little game? Truth or truth?”

     Dean glared at her, “How about you go to Hell?”

    “Feisty. How about we start with you then Dean? How do you feel about joining back up with your brother?”

     Sam fished out his pocket knife and started to cut away at the ropes. He looked up at Dean with his big puppy dog eyes. Most of him terrified of what the answer would be, but a tiny part hopeful. Maybe he wouldn’t have to kill himself if Dean wanted him around.

     “It’s frustrating. I was pretty damn happy with my own little makeshift family until he came back into my life. I was becoming a dad and Sam just showed up and screwed that to Hell. I love him, but I don't think I can be around him this way again. I got out and he pulled me back in. Actually thought about killing him in his sleep a few times.”

     Sam bit his tongue to keep from crying. “Your turn Sam. How do you feel about your brother?”

    “I love him. I want him to be mine again. I want him to take me back and hold me at night. I want him to tell me how much he loves me. Now I find out that he wants to kill me? I-I can understand it though. He’s right.” Tears pooled up in his eyes as he continued to saw away at the ropes. He needed to focus and kill this bitch. Afterwards, he’d wait for his first opportunity to put a bullet in his head and take it.

    Veritas smirked, “I like your answers. You’re just so broken aren't you? Hell didn’t break you though did it?”

    “N-no. D-dean hates me and Bobby told me to lose his number. I know he was possessed at the time, but I know he doesn’t like me as much as he likes Dean. I-I called both of them before I tried killing myself. Dean told me to pick a hemisphere so I chose death. Didn’t work though. Lucifer only brought me back.”

    Dean looked at Sam with wide eyes as he felt guilt pool in his gut. How did he not notice that his brother was hurting that much? _You did see it, you just fucking enjoyed the fact that he was suffering. Thought he deserved to feel bad after starting the apocalypse and betraying you for that demon bitch. Then after Heaven, you stopped caring completely._

    “Dean, would you take your baby brother back - even if was to only break his heart more?” Veritas asked in a mystical voice.

     Sam didn't want to hear that answer again. He already knew it. His wrists were free and he tossed the knife to Dean before grabbing the blood coated dagger. The goddess launched at him and Sam stabbed her in the gut. She slumped forward and Sam pushed her to the floor before going to help his brother. He refused to speak as the left the mansion, even when Dean tried to open his mouth.

     Sam stood outside the impala and Dean looked at him with a guilty expression, “I don't want to hear it. Go back to Lisa and Ben or just go to Bobby’s. You don't want to be near me, then fine. I’m sorry I was delusional enough to think you actually wanted to be with me.”

    “Sammy… I’m-”

     Sam screamed at him with tears streaming down his face, “You don't get to call me that! Not now! Not ever! You fucking bastard! You hate me and only my Dean get’s to call me Sammy. You aren't my Dean anymore.”

     Dean felt his heart drop in his chest. None of this was supposed to happen. “I’m sorry Sam. That magic or whatever made me say the worst things that I only thought for no more than a second.”

     Sam didn't want to hear it though, “Go now. I’ll take care of your problem and you’ll never have to see me again. Go!”

     “No! You need to listen to me! Please Sammy.” Dean was shocked when his brother turned on his heels and ran off. Dean bolted at full speed to catch back up to his brother.

     Sam collapse by a tree and let out a violent sob. Everyone wanted him gone. The people he cared about most couldn't stand him. He couldn't take it any more. Without Dean, he couldn't keep the dark thoughts away and he was too far gone. He pulled out his shotgun and stared down the barrel. He should have done this the second he was topside again, but he was too much of a coward.

    Sam clicked the safety off and placed the gun right in front of his broken heart. Dean came into view, huffing and red faced. He paled immediately when he saw his baby brother. He heard the loud gunshot and saw Sam’s gun fall from his hand. _No. No no no no no no no._ Dean sprinted to his brother's side and cried when he couldn't find a pulse. He pulled the body into his arms and cried as he rocked him back and forth, peppering kisses to the cooling forehead as he begged for him to wake up.

    Dean looked up at the sky and yelled, “Damn it Cas! I need you down here. Please!”

    There was a fluttering of wings and Cas was shocked by the sight in front of him, “Wh-what happened?”

    Dean couldn't bring himself to look away from Sam’s lifeless body, “He-he killed him-himself because of me. Please Cas…. Save him.”

    Cas walked up and knelt next to Sam. He placed two fingers on his forehead and the tall man started to cough as his eyes burst open. Dean cried in relief and surged forward, capturing Sammy's lips with his.

    Dean spoke as tears streamed from his eyes - each word punctuated with a kiss - as he ran his fingers through his brother's hair, “Don't… you… ever… fucking... do… that… to … me… again…”

    Sam felt like crying. How come he even screwed up killing himself? Dean’s big green eyes looked down at him as he spoke to him. He felt each kiss and prayed that it wasn't a temporary thing. Maybe it could last until he tried again the next moment he could.

    Cas glared at him, “I heard that. You’re my friend. I’m not going to let you try again. Even if you succeed in your attempts, I’ll bring you back like I just did now. He needs rest Dean. I’ll take him back to the motel and you can drive back.”

    Dean looked like he was about to argue, but knew that Sam wouldn't be up to walking back to the car with how far they got. He was falling asleep as is. “Zap me back to my car so I can get to the room faster. Once I get there, go and get Bobby. I’ll call him on the way. Take care of him, okay?” Cas nodded and Dean’s surroundings changed.


	2. Chapter 2

     He hopped into the impala and pulled his phone out, calling Bobby. “I was asleep you idjit! This better be important.”

     Dean still couldn't control his tears and the shakiness came out in his voice, “I’m s-sorry but it is.”

       “What's wrong? You’re crying and that ain't a good sign. Did Sam die? Please tell me he’s okay.”

       Dean bit back a loud sob as he sped down the road, “Cas will come and get you when I get to the motel room, but Sammy killed himself. P-put a bullet in his heart. It was all my fault too. If Cas didn't save him, fuck. I don't even want to think about it.”

       “You hurry your ass up boy. I want to see him.” Bobby hung up before he started blubbering over the phone too.

         Dean pulled into the motel and practically ran to the room. Cas looked up from his spot, awkwardly patting Sam’s head in what was probably meant to be comforting. “Shall I go and get Bobby?”

       Dean nodded and got on the bed with Sam who was out like a light. The younger man only stirred slightly as Dean maneuvered him into his arms. The kid would be lucky to go to the bathroom on his own after this with how scared Dean was. Castiel reappeared with Bobby seconds later. The gruff man walked over to the other side of the bed and sat down, “How is he?”

        “I put him to sleep since he was so distraught. I feared he would attempt to take his life again if I left him to stay awake.” Cas explained. “He’ll be fine for another few hours. Call me when he awakes. I have to get back to heaven.”

          Dean nodded, “Will do. Thank you for bringing Sam back.” Cas nodded and vanished. 

          Bobby sighed, “You might as well get him comfortable. Sleeping in your day clothes ain’t the best feeling in the world. Maybe we should put the weapons on lockdown for now too. And pills.”

        Dean nodded in agreement and kissed his brother's forehead again before laying him back down on the bed. Bobby already knew about the unconventional relationship the brothers shared, but Dean didn't even think about that. He started to strip away Sam’s shoes and pants, leaving his boxers on. Bobby found a pair of sweats in Sam’s bag and tossed them to Dean. “You know that boy gets cold in his sleep.”

          “His feet are the worst. Feel like ice cubes if he doesn't have socks on.” Dean chuckled lightly as he shimmied the sweats on his overgrown kid brother. He only pulled of the outermost layer of shirts off, leaving him in the (bloody) long sleeve shirt he normally wears under his button up flannel.

          He made sure to tuck Sam in tightly and kissed him softly. Dean turned to Bobby, “Where should we start?”

          “You go through his things and find anything he could really hurt himself with. I’ll start taking weapons back to your car. I’ll leave your gun of course. Are all the meds in the first aid kit?”

        “Yeah. We’re pretty good about that one. Just put the first aid kit in the weapons bag.” 

         Bobby nodded and started taking things out. Dean sat down and started going through Sam’s bag. In one of the smaller pouches, he found his necklace. The one he threw away when he found out God wasn't going to help them.  _ Sam probably thought that I was throwing him away too. Fuck. I wore that everyday since he gave it to me then I just throw it away after getting it back? What's wrong with me? _ Dean stifled his sobs and put the necklace back on, feeling the comforting weight of it.

         He finished going through the back and only took out a knife. He handed it to Bobby then went to change. Bobby looked at Dean, “Did we get everything?” 

        “Yeah. Never thought I’d have to put Sam on suicide watch. I can't believe the things I said to him. I’m an awful brother.”

        “I’m in the same boat. We’ll just have to prove to him that we didn't really mean what we said. Get some sleep. I’ll stay up and keep an eye on him.”

         Dean nodded and got under the comforter and curled up next to Sam. He kissed his forehead before slowly drifting off into an uneasy sleep.

          The next morning, Sam awoke to three pairs of eyes staring at him, Dean’s arms still curled around him tightly. Cas had arrived earlier to check in and Bobby was running on caffeine pills and coffee.

         “Sammy!” Dean placed a chaste kiss his lips before dragging his sasquatch into his lap. “I’m so sorry for everything I said. I really didn't mean any of it. Can you ever forgive me?”

        Bobby chimed in, “Same here kiddo. I love having you boys stop by and stay for a bit. Sam, you’re like a son to me and I enjoy spending time with you. Dean's just easier to keep entertained. Give him a car to fix and a six pack and he’s set.”

       “Don't forget the pie.” Dean pointed out before he kissed Sam’s forehead again. Chick flick moments be damned.

       “How can I when you always say it you idjit? Shush it. You keep me on my toes boy, but God knows I enjoy it.”

       “I think it's now my turn to speak.” Castiel said, “You’re my friend Sam. I don't want you to die. Was that acceptable or do I need to say something else?”

       Sam smiled slightly at the socially awkward angel, “That was nice Cas. Thanks. Dean?”

       “Yeah Sammy?” Dean looked at Sam and felt the urge to kiss him again and placed his lips on the soft cheek.

       “I-I know that you feel bad about all of this, bit don't act like you want me this way when you don't. It just hurts even more.” Tears pooled up in his eyes as he waited for a sigh of relief.

         Dean’s eyes widened, “That's not it baby. Bobby? Cas? Can you possibly give us 20 minutes? There's a diner just down the road that has the best bacon burger ever.”

         Bobby easily took the hint and pulled the angel out with him. “You get 30. If I come back and you idjits aren't done, there’ll be hell to pay. Got it?”

        “Yes sir. Scratch Baby and it won't be pretty.” Dean tosses him the keys to his precious car and Bobby caught then easily. The second the door closed, Dean captured Sam's soft lips with his.

        Dean ran his fingers through Sam’s hair and looked at his broken brother, green eyes meeting hazel. “I thought I could live without you this way. I really did. But when I saw you sh-shoot yourself…” Dean had to stifle his tears, “I-I realized that I can't. I thought you were dead for good, then you came back. We were on the road and I still had Lisa, it worked for me. I had the best of both worlds almost. I’m a selfish bastard and I love you too much to lose you. I’m not faking any of this.”

        A stray tear fell from both of their eyes, Sam wiped away Dean's and the other man did the same. “What about Lisa though?”

        Dean shook his head, “Let me worry about that. Now I left you in a blood covered shirt so do you want to just change or take a shower?”

        “Shower definitely. So off you big ape.” Sam kissed Dean timidly before pushing him to the side. He grabbed some new clothes and Dean did the same. Sam went to shut the bathroom door, but Dean’s foot stopped it. “What are you doing Dean?”

         “Showering,” his voice dripped with ‘duh’, “Pretty glad you made this choice actually. It’d be kind of awkward with Bobby on the other side of the door.”

         “No. We aren't taking a shower together just because you're horny.” Sam gave him one of his famous bitch faces.

         “I’m always horny, but that's not why we're showering together for the foreseeable future. Too worried about you to let you be by yourself.” Dean pulled off his shirt, “Shower sex would just be a bonus, but that's up to you.”

       Sam started to worry. He couldn't pass his scars off as hunting accidents. “I’m really not comfortable with you seeing me naked Dean. You haven't since the apocalypse and doesn't it just seem a little fast?”

        “I changed your diapers Sam. Nothing is worse than that. You don't have anything that I don't know about.” Dean was already undressed and started fiddling with the shower controls.

_ Don't be so sure about that. _ Sam sighed, “Just promise me you won't freak out. Please?”

       Dean laughed, “I promise. But if you have a rash, I’m not washing you.”

       Sam took a deep breath and pulled his shirt over his head. Sam kept his eyes closed as he waited for the yelling to start. Dean only pulled him in for a tight hug, “H-how long?”

       “Maybe a year now? It helps me cope.” Sam said vaguely, purposely leaving out the “with not killing myself” part. 

       “If we have time after the shower, I’m kissing every last one. I still have questions, but you still have blood on you and it’s freaking me out. “ 

       Sam nodded and finished undressing. He stepped into the warm spray first and Dean followed in. The shower was small, but Dean really didn't mind. He needed Sam to be close to him: needed to know that he was alive. They washed each other and Dean let out a heart wrenching sob when he saw the red scar from the bullet wound. Sam frowned and held Dean close, “It’s okay. I’m alive aren't I? Even, even if I really wish I wasn't - haven't for some time now - I’m breathing.”

“D-don’t say that. I-I can't think about you trying to end your life again. Hurts too much.” 

“I’m sorry.” Sam bent down and kissed the older man softly and timidly. “Can I wash your hair?”

Dean took a minute to calm his tears and nodded, “Only if I get to was yours.”

“Don't know if you can reach from down there.” Sam smirked as he looked down at Dean. Sam gasped softly when a hard smack landed on his ass.

“I don't have to take that from you. I’m the older one.” Dean chided. 

Sam nodded and breathlessly groaned out, “Whatever you say. Just do that again.” Sam bent his knees a bit and hunched down to mouth at Dean's neck.

As much as Dean wanted to fuck the gorgeous man before him, he couldn't just yet. “Sam… Sammy. We need to stop. Bobby will be back soon and it won't be near enough time for me to do everything I want,” Sam pouted and he turned on the puppy eyes, “None of that. I promise to give you what you need later. You know he’ll tan our hides if he walks in on us again.”

Sam snorted and nodded, “Fine, but I’m holding you to that promise.” The brothers quickly finished getting clean and stepped out. They got ready for the day and Dean made sure to pepper Sam with kissed when he got the chance. His baby needed to know that he was loved.

When Bobby and Cas came back, Dean was holding Sam and playing with his long hair. “Glad to see you two are dressed. Brought you some food.”

      Dean let out a whoop when he opened the paper bag, “What about-”

      “I got your pie you igjit. Bottom of the bag but eat your food first. Got Sam one of those yogurt fruit things he likes and a salad. Got you the two of the breakfast sandwiches and your blasted pie.”

      “You're the best!” Dean pulled out the food and handed Sam his things, “Hippie food for Sammy and actual food for me.” Through a mouth full of food he said, “This is good.”

Sam rolled his eyes and poked at the parfait. Bobby sent him a look and Sam obediently started to eat. Halfway through their meal, Dean’s phone started to ring. His eyes widened when he saw Lisa’s name before be kissed Sam softly, “Gotta take this. Finish your rabbit food.”

Dean stepped outside the motel room and answered, “Hey Lis’. Glad you called.”

“You might not think so soon. What the hell happened last week? You shoved Ben!”

“It’s kind of a long story.” Dean should have seen this coming.

“Then make it short cause I want to know.” Lisa was obviously angry.

“I was working and had an accident. Started turning into a vamp and wanted to say goodbye before I had to be beheaded. It got to be too much and I wanted to feed on you guys. I never meant to hurt Ben, but I was trying to keep him safe from me.”

“Are you a vampire still?”

“No. Sam fixed me up. Knew a hunter who had a cure for it.”

“Why didn't you say anything? I would’ve understood.”

“It's hard and complicated. Hell I had to break into a vet’s office and steal dog blood so we could kill a god. My life isn't pretty.”

“Then come back home to us. Leave hunting behind and be a dad.”

“I can't. I can't leave Sammy like that. Not again.”

“Yes you can. He’s an adult and can handle himself. Ben misses you. I miss you. You and Sam are too attached anyways. It’s not natural or healthy.”

“You just don't get it. I can't leave Sam. Not now, not ever.”

“Who's more important than? He can always come visit. “

Dean was getting pissed, “Him! He’s always been more important to me. You just don't get it do you? Sam killed himself last night. Put a fucking bullet in his heart in front of me and I couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it. Castiel had to bring him back to life. If you think for one second that I’m letting him be alone at all for the next month, at least, you obviously don't know me. The only reason I answered your call is because he’s being watched by Bobby and a fucking ANGEL. Despite that, I still feel uneasy with him being out of arm's length.”

“Dean, I didn't know.”

“Obviously. I have to go and take care of my baby brother.” Dean hung up the phone and took a few calming breaths before going back into the room.

Bobby was trying to coax Sam out of the ball he curled himself into. Sammy mumbled, “He’s leaving me. He doesn't love me. He’s leaving me.”

Cas looked completely confused, “Who’s leaving? I’m sure we can ask them to stay.”

“Not now birdbrain. Sam, Dean's not going to leave you. He’s just taking a call. Just breathe okay? Can you take a deep breath for me?” 

Sam only shook his head and continued to mumble. Dean rushed to the man’s side and wrapped his arms around his thin frame, “I’m here Sammy. What's wrong baby?”

“You're gonna leave me for Lisa and Ben. Not good enough for you.” Sam bit his lip to keep from crying.

“Look at me Sam,” he first refused but caved and looked into Dean's olive green eyes, “Look me in the eyes and tell me that I’m lying when I say that I’m not leaving you. Yes that was Lisa on the phone, I’m not going to tell you different. She asked me to leave you and come back home. What she doesn't understand is that home is with you.”

“Even after everything? You got out. Why would you want me? Hell, yesterday you said there was no chance of us ever getting back together. You just feel guilty because I can’t even kill myself right.”

     “Sam…” Dean sighed and tried to pull his Sammy closer to him.

     Sam pulled himself out of his brother’s warm arms and bolted to the bathroom, “Just don’t Dean.” He locked the door, sliding down as he let himself cry. He ignored the knocking and pleading for him to open the door while he let out all of his pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What would you guys like to see next? Let me know what you think. :D


	3. Chapter 3

     He hated being lied to. Sam knew that Dean was going to ditch him again and he was man enough to admit that it hurt like hell. Why didn’t Dean let him stay dead? Then he wouldn’t be in so much pain. 

     “Sammy? Open the door!” Dean yelled through the wooden barrier as he pounded on it with his fist. He was panicking. What if Sam tried to kill himself again? He was smart. He could easily figure out a way to do it without normal means.

      A muffled croaked, “No,” came through the door and Dean felt his heart break even more as his mind raced over what Sam could do to hurt himself. 

     “Please baby. Talk to me.” Dean had tears in his eyes as he shaked the handle over and over as he tried to get to Sammy. He needed to see him  _ now _ .

     Sam had enough of the ruckus and threw open the door. He glared at Dean with tears pouring from his hazel eyes, “You’ll just leave the second you think I’m better. I-I can’t handle that,” He held himself as he started to sob.  _ Just kill yourself, no one wants you, _ screamed over and over in his mind. 

    Dean pulled his brother into his arms and the taller man slumped in his arms as he cried. He felt Dean running his fingers through his hair and the other was rubbing his back. “I told Lisa it was over. Told her that you’re more important to me. I’m not going to leave you again.”

    Sam cried into his brother’s neck, “It just hurts…. I-I… I wish I could j-ju-just d-die.”

     Dean felt his broken heart shatter at how much pain his baby boy was in. The bone chilling image of Sam shooting himself popped back into his mind. “Sammy, listen to me okay? I’m never gonna leave you. I promise. We’ll make it through this just like anything else. You’ll be okay baby. We’ll be okay.” Sammy sobbed into his shoulder and Dean knew that he’d have to change again, but that didn’t matter. it had nothing on the way his brother’s pain was weighing on his soul. He never dealt with anything like this, but he’d figure it out just like any other obstacle they’ve faced. He slowly rocked Sam in his arms as he continued to try and sooth the young hunter.

     Cas looked at him with concern for Sam. He wasn't sure how to handle this sort of situation, “Should I put him back to sleep?”

     Dean shook his head as he placed a soft kiss on Sam’s hair, “No. He needs to cry.” Sam was too out of it to protest them talking about him as if he wasn’t there. “Let it all out baby. It’ll be okay. I promise.”

     Bobby cleared his throat as he tried to keep from crying. He hated the fact that one of his surrogate sons was suffering so much and he didn’t know. “How about we go back to Sioux Falls and we can take care of Sam there?” He really didn’t think this motel room would be helpful in a healing process. Besides, it was pretty trashy, if he said so himself. 

     Dean nodded, “You go ahead. We’ll meet up so you have time to make the place safe.” He kissed Sam’s forehead as he stopped running his fingers through his chestnut hair and tilted Sammy’s chin up so they could look at each other, “What do you think baby? Wanna go to Bobby’s and take a break?”

      Sammy still had tears in his eyes, but he straightened himself up so he was looking down on Dean’s eyes, “Okay.”

      Dean kissed him softly as he stood up on his toes. Bobby honestly felt like he was watching something he wasn’t supposed to see. The intimacy was too much for him. He cleared his throat and the two pulled away, but Dean still held onto him. “I’ll have feathers here zap me back, but I want you two on the road ASAP. Sam?”

      The youngest looked at him with a curious look, “Yeah?”

      “Come give me a hug ya idjit,” Sam tore himself away from Dean long enough to be pulled into a tight hug from the older man. “You make it back to my place in one piece, okay?” Sam nodded and stepped out of the hug.

      Castiel awkwardly patted Sam’s shoulder before flying away with Bobby. Dean came up behind Sam and rubbed his shoulders. Sam sniffled a bit as he leaned into his brother’s touch. “You okay baby? We can wait a bit before leaving if you want.”

      “I-It’s okay. We can go.” Sam spoke after pausing for a moment.

      Dean smiled as he pressed a kiss to the back of his neck, “Okay. I’ll change real fast.” Dean removed the tear soaked layer and replaced it with one of his green shirts as he placed another kiss on Sam’s cheek. He knew he was being clingy, but he was terrified of what Sam would do if he wasn’t that way. Besides, he had a lot of time to make up for.

       Sam quickly packed up his things and Dean did the same. Once they had everything, Dean took Sam’s hand in his as they left the room. He left to go check out and Sam reluctantly followed his insistent brother. The lady at the desk gave the an odd look, “You too finally make up? I was wondering about that.”

      Dean pulled Sam closer to him and wrapped an arm around his waist, “Yes ma’am.” Sam blushed slightly (Dean was never this affectionate before), but Dean only smiled and placed a quick peck on his cheek before signing the receipt. Sam leaned into Dean’s body as they left the small lobby. Dean kissed Sam deeply before opening the car door for him and running back to the driver’s seat. He pulled Sam towards the middle and threw an arm around his shoulder as he expertly pulled out of the lot and onto the road. 

       Dean’s fingers idly played with Sam’s hair as they drove towards South Dakota. Sammy looked exhausted and his eyes were puffy and red. Dean frowned and rubbed Sam’s shoulder as he braked at a stop sign, “Why don’t you take a nap? I’ll wake you up when we stop.”

       Sam nodded lightly and rubbed at his eyes. Crying always made them feel weird and fuzzy, but it’s all he seemed to be doing lately.  _ It’s because you’re so weak and pathetic.  _ He paused for a minute as he debated in his mind before leaning towards Dean and kissing his cheek, “Okay, De’.”

     “I love you Sammy, but you gotta give me more than that, man.” Dean teased as he placed a quick soft kiss on Sam’s lips before focusing back on the road.

     “I love you too.” Sam pulled away from Dean’s grasp and took off his jacket. He balled it up and rested his head against it as it pressed into the window. He drifted off to the sound of the soft classic rock and Dean’s light drumming on the steering wheel. The older man smiled softly as he looked at his brother’s peaceful face. His steady breath and soft kitten like snores were a comfort, especially compared to the irregular crying of the past 4 hours. He drove for a few hours before he needed to stop and get gas. Dean figured that they should also stop for food.

     Sam stirred slightly when the car engine stopped, but continued to sleep. Dean smiled softly before gently waking him up. “Hey Sleeping Beauty, time to wake up.”

     Sam groaned slightly as he stretched out his neck and back, “How - how long was I out?”

     “Few hours. Needed to stop for gas and figured we should probably eat.” Dean reached out and rubbed Sam’s back. He leaned in and gave his brother a soft kiss before getting out of the car and filling up the tank. When he finished paying, Sam had found a diner nearby on his phone. They pulled up to the 50’s style diner. When the engine was off, Dean grabbed his keys and was by Sam’s door just as he stepped out.

     The door was closed and Dean pulled his brother closer to him by the belt loops of his jeans, kissing him softly until he needed to pull away for air. They locked eyes and Dean ran a hand through the long hair, “You okay sweetheart? If you aren't up to it, we can get food to go.”

     “I’m okay De’. Just have a bit of a headache from crying so much.” Sam answered in as much honesty as he could muster. 

     Dean's concerned eyes didn't waver, “Need any Tylenol?” 

    “Maybe later if it gets worse.” Dean nodded and held his hand as they entered the dinner.

    The hostess sat them at a booth and they took opposite sides as they normally did. Sam glanced at the menu, mainly for Dean’s sake. He’d only get coffee since he wasn't that hungry.

     When the waitress came up to get their drinks, she started to obviously flirt with Dean.  _ How can you beat  _ that?  _ You’re never going to be good enough for him. _ Sam bit his lip as he fell into the dark abysses of his mind. 

     “I’ll take a coffee and the bacon burger, extra onions and fries. What do you want Sammy?”

     He was shaken from his thoughts, “Huh?... Oh I’ll just have water.”

     The perky blonde spoke in her soprano voice, “Anything to eat?”

     “Uh. No.”

    Dean rolled his eyes, “He’ll take that barbeque chicken sandwich with a side salad. Italian dressing if you have it, ranch if not. You need to feed that gigantor body.”

    The waitress left and Dean took both of Sam’s fiddling hands in his. “What’s on your mind baby?”

    “Nothing really. Just thinking.”  _ Do you want to fuck that girl? Is she better than me? How long will this last? _

    “I could’ve figured out that one for myself. What are you thinking about? Please tell me. I want to help you out.”

    “It’s stupid. Doesn't matter.”

    “Yes it does. I love you so goddamn much and I don't like seeing you hurting. I want to know what's going through that freakishly smart brain of yours.”

    Sam looked down at their entwined hands for a moment before looking back at those olive green eyes, “The waitress. She was flirting with you and she’s cute. Just kind of reminded me that you can have so much better.”

     Dean sighed as he rubbed Sam’s hands with his thumbs, “There's no one better than you, love. I’m so fucking lucky to be able to call you mine.”

     Sam sported an adorable blush and glanced away when the waitress came back with their drinks. She glared at Sam, but Dean didn’t notice. He was too busy looking at his baby brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a late update. My life is just so hectic.


End file.
